Well, it's been a week. i had a hard time sorting through a lot of what happened... FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES after i posted. you know, God really is a lot smarter than i am. i keep forgetting that. it's just that many of the situations i find myself iin exist solely as a pointer or prod to move into the next situation. if the steps of a righteous woman are ordered of God, then i'm guessing the path that woman is walking on is most likely ordered also. :0) every little detail in our lives is ordered. it blows my mind when i consider this. check this out:
This day's been crazy but everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold, to the drink that i spilled on my shirt
Cause you knew how you'd save me before i fell dead in the Garden
And you knew this day long before you made me out of dirt.
and you know the plans that you have for me
and you can't plan the ends and not plan the means
And i suppose i just need some peace to get me to sleep.
That's from "Table for Two" by Caedmon's Call. it's a good song, and something that i'm happy i ran across this week for the first time in a few years. the song's about a relationship, but the idea is still the same, and applicable to my situation regardless, God is in control. All i have to do is trust him.
Surrender means trusting that the one to whom you surrender, will take care of you. God is my father. i have a great natural father. he's always looking a step ahead of me, and planning. his guidance isn't always what i deem fair or fun, but it's usually right. God is the same way. it's just harder, b/c while i can call up my dad and clearly hear his voice telling me what to do, with God, i am always second guessing whether i heard him right or not. i guess surrender also means trusting that i heard God about something to begin with. hmmm... that's something to chew on for a few days.
~Jennifer~
Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding
Sunday, January 18, 2004 at 4:25 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2004 at 10:26 PM
daily bread, give us daily bread
bless our bodies, keep our children fed
fill our cups, and fill them up again tonight.
wrap us up, and warm us through
tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
let us slumber safe from danger's view this time.
or maybe not, not today
maybe you'll provide in other ways
and if that's the case...
we'll give thanks to you with gratitude
a lesson learned to hunger after you
that a sky of stars provides a better view if no roof is overhead
and if we never taste that bread....
Oh, the differences that often are between
everything we want, and what we really need...
well, nichole nordeman really seems to have summed up the entirity of my day today. sometimes i forget that God is smarter than i am, and that He sees the whole picture where i can't. He knows my needs so much more than i do. it's funny really, i sang that song today in church (Gratitude, off Woven and Spun, a great album, you should pick it up). i didn't expect God to call my bluff and make me walk it out so soon.
after our early service, i called my mom and found out that my grandmother is selling her house. this might not seem like the world's biggest deal, but it really shook my world.
my parents are pastors, so we've moved a lot, and i've never really felt at home anywhere we've ever lived. i hate when people ask "where are you from?" b/c i just have to say "the south." The only homeplace (home of christmases, thanksgivings, easters, etc) i've ever known is the house where my grandparents lived for forty plus years. i never lived there, but it was the one place i always knew i could go and feel at home, regardless of how alien i felt anywhere else. i mean, my cousins and sister and i freaked when she filled in our beloved swimming pool to make a carport. so you can imagine how the selling of the place is affecting me.
well, it's weird, really, that i chose to sing that song, sang it, then found this out. God really made me walk out what i sang. i guess right now i'm supposed to be thankful to even have a place that was good enough to miss. i guess i'm supposed to be grateful about all that, but you know what, right now, it's DARN hard to be that way. i'm sad. like really sad. on top of the house selling, my cousin (who is more like a sister) is leaving the area to move to florida (that God-forsaken state from whence i was created, but which seems to be eating all my beloved relatives).
so, in case it's not evident, i'm a little angry right now. i mean, part of surrendering is realizing that you have no rights (like the right to be angry). but, by golly, that's so much easier said than done. and i wish i had the answers to how to get to that point. but for now, i'm just going to have to pray that God's grace will cover me until i get there. i wish i could make this all encouraging, but i guess the encouragement will just have to come from the fact that if you are dealing with the same type of struggle to lay down rights, you're in good company.
~Jennifer~
bless our bodies, keep our children fed
fill our cups, and fill them up again tonight.
wrap us up, and warm us through
tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
let us slumber safe from danger's view this time.
or maybe not, not today
maybe you'll provide in other ways
and if that's the case...
we'll give thanks to you with gratitude
a lesson learned to hunger after you
that a sky of stars provides a better view if no roof is overhead
and if we never taste that bread....
Oh, the differences that often are between
everything we want, and what we really need...
well, nichole nordeman really seems to have summed up the entirity of my day today. sometimes i forget that God is smarter than i am, and that He sees the whole picture where i can't. He knows my needs so much more than i do. it's funny really, i sang that song today in church (Gratitude, off Woven and Spun, a great album, you should pick it up). i didn't expect God to call my bluff and make me walk it out so soon.
after our early service, i called my mom and found out that my grandmother is selling her house. this might not seem like the world's biggest deal, but it really shook my world.
my parents are pastors, so we've moved a lot, and i've never really felt at home anywhere we've ever lived. i hate when people ask "where are you from?" b/c i just have to say "the south." The only homeplace (home of christmases, thanksgivings, easters, etc) i've ever known is the house where my grandparents lived for forty plus years. i never lived there, but it was the one place i always knew i could go and feel at home, regardless of how alien i felt anywhere else. i mean, my cousins and sister and i freaked when she filled in our beloved swimming pool to make a carport. so you can imagine how the selling of the place is affecting me.
well, it's weird, really, that i chose to sing that song, sang it, then found this out. God really made me walk out what i sang. i guess right now i'm supposed to be thankful to even have a place that was good enough to miss. i guess i'm supposed to be grateful about all that, but you know what, right now, it's DARN hard to be that way. i'm sad. like really sad. on top of the house selling, my cousin (who is more like a sister) is leaving the area to move to florida (that God-forsaken state from whence i was created, but which seems to be eating all my beloved relatives).
so, in case it's not evident, i'm a little angry right now. i mean, part of surrendering is realizing that you have no rights (like the right to be angry). but, by golly, that's so much easier said than done. and i wish i had the answers to how to get to that point. but for now, i'm just going to have to pray that God's grace will cover me until i get there. i wish i could make this all encouraging, but i guess the encouragement will just have to come from the fact that if you are dealing with the same type of struggle to lay down rights, you're in good company.
~Jennifer~
Friday, January 09, 2004 at 3:29 PM
ok, so a cool thing about Psalm 19 is...
you start reading it, and BOOM, you're struck by this imagery of the grandeur of God. so much grandeur, in fact that the very skies proclaim it. man... that's some kind of wow...
then, after that, you get the idea that, ok, with this amazing infinite nature, His laws are perfect. (so he's like setting it all up... i.e. God is awesome, so His laws must be perfect!) makes so much sense. it's like proving God has the right to make such laws before explaining them...
The part, however, that got me most today is this:
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Man, when it came to repentence, that david sure covered his bases. you know, we can say "Oh Lord, forgive me" but don't you think God wants some specifics? not so much for his knowledge (b/c he knows already) but for yours. david is all "ok, get out those hidden sins... the ones i don't see or maybe i don't realize are sins." that's the first tier. good one. helps you figure out what you're hiding that you don't even know about. good call there, david.
but then he goes one better: "and all the willful sins" ouch. hard to admit the willfulness of sin. we say things like "they 'fell' into sin" or i was "snared" by sin. but it all boils down to it being my call when decision time comes. that's a hard pill to swallow. and sometimes, it's the most important moment in becoming surrendered to God. like, "ok, well, wow... i have to realize that to surrender, i have to STOP sinning willfully.." i mean, the devil can't MAKE you sin. hmmm... interesting thought...
Then he brings it all to a close with asking that the Lord make his words and thoughts pleasing. he didn't say perfect. he said pleasing. pleasing= hey, i'm surrendering to You, Lord and i am trying my hardest to follow you. i think i often get these confused. which sets me up for failure.
something i told my sister the other day (which was imparted to me by a friend during a time of crisis for me a few years ago):
You are not what you do, you are not what you say, you are not your sin. You are a strong woman of God and your identity was not created by your own actions, but by salvation. so it is not continued by your own actions, but by your salvation as well.
smart girl, that one. she's a lot like David.
~Jennifer~
you start reading it, and BOOM, you're struck by this imagery of the grandeur of God. so much grandeur, in fact that the very skies proclaim it. man... that's some kind of wow...
then, after that, you get the idea that, ok, with this amazing infinite nature, His laws are perfect. (so he's like setting it all up... i.e. God is awesome, so His laws must be perfect!) makes so much sense. it's like proving God has the right to make such laws before explaining them...
The part, however, that got me most today is this:
11 By them is your servant warned;
in keeping them there is great reward.
12 Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.
14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Man, when it came to repentence, that david sure covered his bases. you know, we can say "Oh Lord, forgive me" but don't you think God wants some specifics? not so much for his knowledge (b/c he knows already) but for yours. david is all "ok, get out those hidden sins... the ones i don't see or maybe i don't realize are sins." that's the first tier. good one. helps you figure out what you're hiding that you don't even know about. good call there, david.
but then he goes one better: "and all the willful sins" ouch. hard to admit the willfulness of sin. we say things like "they 'fell' into sin" or i was "snared" by sin. but it all boils down to it being my call when decision time comes. that's a hard pill to swallow. and sometimes, it's the most important moment in becoming surrendered to God. like, "ok, well, wow... i have to realize that to surrender, i have to STOP sinning willfully.." i mean, the devil can't MAKE you sin. hmmm... interesting thought...
Then he brings it all to a close with asking that the Lord make his words and thoughts pleasing. he didn't say perfect. he said pleasing. pleasing= hey, i'm surrendering to You, Lord and i am trying my hardest to follow you. i think i often get these confused. which sets me up for failure.
something i told my sister the other day (which was imparted to me by a friend during a time of crisis for me a few years ago):
You are not what you do, you are not what you say, you are not your sin. You are a strong woman of God and your identity was not created by your own actions, but by salvation. so it is not continued by your own actions, but by your salvation as well.
smart girl, that one. she's a lot like David.
~Jennifer~
Thursday, January 08, 2004 at 10:50 AM
so last evening i had a very productive and encouraging conversation with a dear friend of mine. she is a natural verbal affirmer. i was just bragging on her to someone else (not to her, oddly enough, b/c i struggle with an inability to successfully exercise verbal affirmation)... but i was saying that i really want to grow to be more like her and follow her example.
sincerity is a big part of surrender. it's hard to make oneself vulnerable enough to tell someone (without a hint of sarcasm) how much you appreciate and need them. at least it is for me. i always worry that if i open myself up to share those thoughts with a person, that he or she will in turn either turn a deaf ear and not appreciate my putting myself "on the line" (yes, that's absurd, but it's how i feel--like somehow they will understand my need for them to get how hard it is for me... whatever!) or that he or she will not reciprocate (and i fear that b/c i'm selfish and want a return for my investment). both of these "issues" (man, i hate that word.. it's so overused and generalized now) are a problem with the surrender of self.
in order to be sincere, you just have to give up your right to be offended, give up your right to be affirmed and give up your right to receive anything from it. this is so hard to walk out, but i've been praying for God to teach me how. the fact is, we have no rights. as an american from the "land of the free" it's hard to really grasp that, but the fact remains that the only right we have is the right to die.
if only we could all really get that into our spirits, i know we would all be a lot less petty, there would be less drama, and feelings would be hurt so much less frequently. the problem is, we don't live in a vacuum or a sterile test environment where this is easy. we live in a sin contaminated world. so it's really easy to refocus on our rights because that's what we've been taught in our culture here in the states.
it makes me wonder if christians from communist or socialist countries have an easier time surrendering their lives. forget that even, what about certain cultures in africa or asia (regardless of political affiliation) who view the rights of the group as being of more importance than those of the individual. it's this curiosity that sparks my interest in missions. this, i believe is one of the reasons why people in other countries tend to be so hungry for God when they are introduced to Him.
Food for thought.
~Jennifer~
sincerity is a big part of surrender. it's hard to make oneself vulnerable enough to tell someone (without a hint of sarcasm) how much you appreciate and need them. at least it is for me. i always worry that if i open myself up to share those thoughts with a person, that he or she will in turn either turn a deaf ear and not appreciate my putting myself "on the line" (yes, that's absurd, but it's how i feel--like somehow they will understand my need for them to get how hard it is for me... whatever!) or that he or she will not reciprocate (and i fear that b/c i'm selfish and want a return for my investment). both of these "issues" (man, i hate that word.. it's so overused and generalized now) are a problem with the surrender of self.
in order to be sincere, you just have to give up your right to be offended, give up your right to be affirmed and give up your right to receive anything from it. this is so hard to walk out, but i've been praying for God to teach me how. the fact is, we have no rights. as an american from the "land of the free" it's hard to really grasp that, but the fact remains that the only right we have is the right to die.
if only we could all really get that into our spirits, i know we would all be a lot less petty, there would be less drama, and feelings would be hurt so much less frequently. the problem is, we don't live in a vacuum or a sterile test environment where this is easy. we live in a sin contaminated world. so it's really easy to refocus on our rights because that's what we've been taught in our culture here in the states.
it makes me wonder if christians from communist or socialist countries have an easier time surrendering their lives. forget that even, what about certain cultures in africa or asia (regardless of political affiliation) who view the rights of the group as being of more importance than those of the individual. it's this curiosity that sparks my interest in missions. this, i believe is one of the reasons why people in other countries tend to be so hungry for God when they are introduced to Him.
Food for thought.
~Jennifer~
Wednesday, January 07, 2004 at 3:23 PM
i feel the need to share a couple of cool things i noticed today during my reading/quiet time. I've been reading the Psalms a lot lately because, well, i'm feeling like i empathize with david a lot these days. i mean, he was a messed up guy, but he LOVED his maker with a passion that surmounted the passion of most of the people around him, he was surrounded on a regular occasion by some real bummers. (sounds familiar to me...)
on a related note, yesterday i heard someone say that the opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is apathy. yup. i agree with this.. hate and love, while on different ends of the spectrum, are both highly volatile emotions. apathy, however, is the void of emotion or passion.
making that all add up, i'll say this. I think often these "enemies" David references weren't necessarily people who were actually after him. Don't get me wrong, he had a few, but I think he was sometimes talking about the people surrounding him who just didn't care about him, God, or even just living life to the fullest the way that he did. One of the biggest enemies of the passionate dreamer is an apathetic person.
So i was reading this passage earlier today.
Psalm 17: 14-15
14 O LORD , by your hand save me from such men,
from men of this world whose reward is in this life.
You still the hunger of those you cherish;
their sons have plenty,
and they store up wealth for their children.
15 And I-in righteousness I will see your face;
when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
a couple of things jumped right out at me. first off, the men he mentions salvation from are the men who love this world. see, to me, that doesn't always just mean sinful, evil people. it means to me the christians who are stagnant and pulling me into their pool with them as well. and the salvation doesn't mean the "removal" from them, it means the removal of their influence over me. i.e. the Jennifer translation "Lord, help me to surrender to You enough that the people around me who value this life more than Your kingdom won't be able to bring me down from the place where I am with you. Allow me to encourage them."
another thing that jumped out to me is "hey, Lord, it's like you said, if i delight myself in you, you will take care of me, and help me to want the correct things, then receive what i want" i.e. not hungering, being filled, and you will help me to pass that on to those in my keep (i.e. my "children" students, actual future children, etc)
Not only that, but here's the kicker... I LOVE psalm 27 (one thing i want is to see Your beauty in the LAND OF THE LIVING.. not just after i'm gone from here, but NOW!)... well... i think verse 15 touches on that.. basically, when i'm walking with God passionately, and i "awake" (however it's meant, literally, figuratively) i'll see His likeness, maybe in myself, maybe in the others around me (which adds a whole new worth to others, in my opinion)... but another cool way i took it was...
this, albeit a stretch, was cool to me... i put verse 15 to work on my future spouse. like, when i walk in righteousness and focus on God, well, i may one day "awake" (literally, like in the morning) to His likeness, i.e. a man of such character, conviction and passion that he just emulates the likeness of Christ. I thought that was a cool perspective for it as well.
You know what, God is always good about just giving us what we need from His word when we need to hear it. It's awesome how the same verse could mean something new and fresh to us each time we read it, if we read it and only it, indefinitely. That's a powerful thing.
~jennifer~
on a related note, yesterday i heard someone say that the opposite of love is not hate, the opposite of love is apathy. yup. i agree with this.. hate and love, while on different ends of the spectrum, are both highly volatile emotions. apathy, however, is the void of emotion or passion.
making that all add up, i'll say this. I think often these "enemies" David references weren't necessarily people who were actually after him. Don't get me wrong, he had a few, but I think he was sometimes talking about the people surrounding him who just didn't care about him, God, or even just living life to the fullest the way that he did. One of the biggest enemies of the passionate dreamer is an apathetic person.
So i was reading this passage earlier today.
Psalm 17: 14-15
14 O LORD , by your hand save me from such men,
from men of this world whose reward is in this life.
You still the hunger of those you cherish;
their sons have plenty,
and they store up wealth for their children.
15 And I-in righteousness I will see your face;
when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness.
a couple of things jumped right out at me. first off, the men he mentions salvation from are the men who love this world. see, to me, that doesn't always just mean sinful, evil people. it means to me the christians who are stagnant and pulling me into their pool with them as well. and the salvation doesn't mean the "removal" from them, it means the removal of their influence over me. i.e. the Jennifer translation "Lord, help me to surrender to You enough that the people around me who value this life more than Your kingdom won't be able to bring me down from the place where I am with you. Allow me to encourage them."
another thing that jumped out to me is "hey, Lord, it's like you said, if i delight myself in you, you will take care of me, and help me to want the correct things, then receive what i want" i.e. not hungering, being filled, and you will help me to pass that on to those in my keep (i.e. my "children" students, actual future children, etc)
Not only that, but here's the kicker... I LOVE psalm 27 (one thing i want is to see Your beauty in the LAND OF THE LIVING.. not just after i'm gone from here, but NOW!)... well... i think verse 15 touches on that.. basically, when i'm walking with God passionately, and i "awake" (however it's meant, literally, figuratively) i'll see His likeness, maybe in myself, maybe in the others around me (which adds a whole new worth to others, in my opinion)... but another cool way i took it was...
this, albeit a stretch, was cool to me... i put verse 15 to work on my future spouse. like, when i walk in righteousness and focus on God, well, i may one day "awake" (literally, like in the morning) to His likeness, i.e. a man of such character, conviction and passion that he just emulates the likeness of Christ. I thought that was a cool perspective for it as well.
You know what, God is always good about just giving us what we need from His word when we need to hear it. It's awesome how the same verse could mean something new and fresh to us each time we read it, if we read it and only it, indefinitely. That's a powerful thing.
~jennifer~
Tuesday, January 06, 2004 at 8:42 AM
Well, i have another blog now. the other was just sort of for fun, but the more the year progressed, the more i realized that i do enough stuff for fun. i need to do some stuff for reality's sake. so here it is.
i guess i called it what i called it because lately God has just really been dealing with me about surrender. i mean, how many thousands of Christians stand and sing "i surrender all" or "surrender" or "the heart of worship" or any other hymn or chorus vowing to make life all about God again every sunday and never actually walk it out? i guess i just got tired of lying to God with my music.
you know, giving myself and others the benefit of the doubt, i don't suppose any of us intend to lie to God, but it's like we sing or say or even pray "Lord, I give you my heart" or "It's all about you" and then just have the hardest time putting legs on it so it can walk around. Personally, I'd like to say "ok, God, i'm not going to say it until i can actually do it." but then, will i ever truly say it again? there are no guarantees. it's all so complicated, this issue of handing over "self" and taking on the will of God.
I have had some recent breakthroughs. for me it was really saying a lot, but the other day, during some time praying for other countries and asking God when i'd get to go, and what He has for me there, I realized something. when i started teaching, i had a clear picture of the fact that "my school/town is my mission field", and somewhere along the way, i'd lost sight of that.
so in the car on the way to church, i (the big dreamer, hopeful globe trotter, can't stay in one place for more than five years girl) said to God, "ok, God, I surrender. Even if i have to live in Hartwell forever, marry some football coach or something, and have eighteen babies... i will do it. i'd rather be in your will and see your face in that context than to live out my own plans and never be with you in the fullness of your perfect will." *gasp* i stopped talking and had to ask myself if i had actually prayed that. then i, of course said "oh, but please don't do that to me."
I love Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD ,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
if i only got to ask for one thing, it ought to be to see the beauty of the Lord (now, in my life). To do that, i'd have to surrender. it's all about surrender.
but at any rate, i guess this is just my journaling about surrender with the hopes that whichever wayward surfer who happens upon it may be blessed/encouraged in some manner.
~Jennifer~
i guess i called it what i called it because lately God has just really been dealing with me about surrender. i mean, how many thousands of Christians stand and sing "i surrender all" or "surrender" or "the heart of worship" or any other hymn or chorus vowing to make life all about God again every sunday and never actually walk it out? i guess i just got tired of lying to God with my music.
you know, giving myself and others the benefit of the doubt, i don't suppose any of us intend to lie to God, but it's like we sing or say or even pray "Lord, I give you my heart" or "It's all about you" and then just have the hardest time putting legs on it so it can walk around. Personally, I'd like to say "ok, God, i'm not going to say it until i can actually do it." but then, will i ever truly say it again? there are no guarantees. it's all so complicated, this issue of handing over "self" and taking on the will of God.
I have had some recent breakthroughs. for me it was really saying a lot, but the other day, during some time praying for other countries and asking God when i'd get to go, and what He has for me there, I realized something. when i started teaching, i had a clear picture of the fact that "my school/town is my mission field", and somewhere along the way, i'd lost sight of that.
so in the car on the way to church, i (the big dreamer, hopeful globe trotter, can't stay in one place for more than five years girl) said to God, "ok, God, I surrender. Even if i have to live in Hartwell forever, marry some football coach or something, and have eighteen babies... i will do it. i'd rather be in your will and see your face in that context than to live out my own plans and never be with you in the fullness of your perfect will." *gasp* i stopped talking and had to ask myself if i had actually prayed that. then i, of course said "oh, but please don't do that to me."
I love Psalm 27:4
One thing I ask of the LORD ,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
if i only got to ask for one thing, it ought to be to see the beauty of the Lord (now, in my life). To do that, i'd have to surrender. it's all about surrender.
but at any rate, i guess this is just my journaling about surrender with the hopes that whichever wayward surfer who happens upon it may be blessed/encouraged in some manner.
~Jennifer~
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