Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

where to start. i'm not exactly sure. what do you do when someone says they need proof to follow christ? i mean, there's not much to offer. where does analyzing end and faith begin? somewhere there has to be a line in this grey mess. i wish i could find it. i mean, i obviously have, but it's like a place that, in order to find it, you must find it on your own, and no one can give you directions to it. one thing is certain, if there were some map or step-by-step path, then this whole faith thing would be null and void. what would be the point? it wouldn't require faith. just the ability to follow directions. i know that faith is a big part of what jesus requests of us once we follow him. faith. by grace through faith we are saved. i mean, in order to accept that grace (which, too often, seems way too easy, like cop-out) we have to have faith that it exists. and i mean, we base all that on the bible (which also takes faith to believe it's God-inspired). it all boils down to faith. i just can't escape it. and i can' texplain it. and there is really nothing i can do to impart it, so instead i'll focus on what usually conveys the importance of all that to others more effectively anyway: love. (the outward expression of that inward faith). i'll let the holy spirit handle it from there, i guess.

it has been a while. Unfortunately, i've not been as faithful to posting as i had hoped, but that really doesn't matter, as not many people read this anyway.

i've been reading a lot lately. one of my latest ventures has been "the sacred romance" by brent curtis and john eldredge. this book is really challenging me. i reccommend it to anyone who is seeking to regain their idealism and passion for christ. the book leads you to find the source of that loss, grieve it, and then look towards restoration of your childlike love and infatuation with your maker. idealism isn't usually hard for me, but in the past few years, i feel like my view of christ and the church has been tarnished, and the ideas and practices in this book (and the wonderful workbook) are really showing me how to polish that off and put it back on display.

enough about that.

sunday i experienced "the passion for the Christ" i don't say i saw it or watched it. one does not see or watch this film. one experiences it. i cried off and on for the entirity of the film. when you are like me and grow up hearing the story your whole life, it loses it's reality to you. i would say that after a while "he was wounded for our trangressions" loses it's edge and we become desensitized. "Lord, forgive me" was all i could say after encountering the visual images depicted in the film. there were times when i forced myself to keep my eyes glued to the screen. it was brutal, and i could feel the evil of the things being done (on my behalf) to my savior. i could feel the manipulation and slime as it exuded from satan's character. the callousness of the church officials came across in the exact manner it does when i've experienced it in people i know (and in myself). but the most impactful aspect was the humanity portrayed throughout. i guess after a while, we forget that this was mary's little boy, whom she diapered and fed. this was john's best friend, whom he trusted and loved, this was mary magdelene's hero, whom she revered for sparing her life from the hypocrites. as i left the theater, i literally thought that i would be ok with dying right there, because it would have afforded me the opportunity to see my savior and kiss his feet. as i watched it, i was overwhelmed with a sense of unworthiness and an infinite gratitude.

just this past saturday, i helped to lead worship at a disciple now weekend here in hartwell. i sang "here i am to worship" and as the words "i'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" came from my mouth, i had some idea of what that truly meant, but the perspective has now completely changed for me. as those words have been echoing in my mind, the images of a bloody, dying, barely recognizable man who did it all so that i could have the fellowship he experienced with His father, haunt me still. i hope that they haunt me forever.