Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

um, brace yourself... this is not my standard "i've learned something major in life" post. :)

i have made an important life decision tonight.

as many of you know, i have been in a committed and loving relationship for about fifteen years. it has been sweet, dramatic, funny, strange, and above all, fulfilling. let me tell you a story.

i met john cusack when i was 9 years old. when i first saw his beautiful face portraying lloyd dobbler, i knew this was a man i could really love. we shared special moments together. and for the last fifteen years, he has been nothing but good to me.

problem is, the romance is dead. i mean, in the last few years, he hasn't offered me any real affection. ok, i'll give him "serendipity" but i mean, what was "america's sweethearts"? huh? that's not love. and identity, fabulous work of film, but his priorities are all screwed up. i mean, men, you all know you have to keep working to continue winning your woman's heart. *sigh* the fire, it's just not been there. not for a while. he'll always have a dear, dear sweet place in my heart, but i am considering leaving him.

i've met someone else.

topher grace, or toph as i like to call him now, first caught my eye as eric on "that 70s' show", and i blew it off thinking, "oh, johnny c. would kill me if i were unfaithful. just look at how nuts he was in that 'identity' flick" then, he continued to flirt, casting me those sweet, "i know i could never have a creature as wonderful as you" glances in mona lisa smile. i acted like i didn't see, but i did. but he sealed the deal tonight, upon my watching "win a date with tad hamilton."

dancing around the kitchen, singing along with barry white to "can't get enough of your love, baby" to his dog.... reading flannery o'conner's "a good man is hard to find", standing up for his love... *sigh* i mean, it so reminded me of the old days with my johnny cusack. standing in the rain outside my window playing peter gabriel songs on a mother jambox... obsessing over each and every time he'd been hurt in "high fidelity", knowing what real love was.

oh john c. i so wish it could have worked out for us, but i guess, in the end, it was the age gap. you settled down... you've grown out of romance... i think i need someone more my own age who understands passion and zeal.

what's a girl to do?

*sigh*

wow.

ever have a moment where the world suddenly seems to make sense to you?


um, this might sound ridiculous, and i might be immature, but i'm realizing more and more each day that the world is not like a movie where i'm a main character. *gasp*

granted, that's oversimplifying, and i haven't ever really thought that way as an adult, but i've certainly behaved in that manner.

i'm more like the chick who's head is cut from the shot, who spills coffee on herself, whose curse word is covered up by the dubbing in of other characters' dialogue.

or maybe the hot dog salesman on the street corner in a downtown scene. i don't even get dialogue. not in the grand story of things.

but you know what is really cool about it all? the only one who matters (we'll call him "Director") knows who i am, and directs me just as importantly as he directs those about whom this scene is. To Him, the keen eye for detail means that what i do is every bit as important as what others in the foreground do.

am i ever in the foreground? i dunno, depends on your perspective. i suppose i am in the foreground to some people, but not the whole world. and i need to always keep the grounding that in general, i'm very much an extra in the story. and you know what, so are you. ;)

purity.

why is that such a dirty little word these days? it's not purity's fault that the puritans ripped it off and used it to stand for legalism! purity is beautiful. purity is wonderful. purity is necessary to be drawn to Christ.

i mean, it's like this, there are a lot of things/habits/etc in the world that are not a sin issue to me (smoking, drinking, cursing) often, these are just things people do, and to me, not really of strong conviction. mind you, i'm not some alcoholic, potty mouthed chain smoker, but it just doesn't bother me or strike me as hypocritical when i see christians doing these things. i mean, to me, as long as you're not going against a conviction to do them, it's not sin. but that's just me.

there are, however, still things in life that are sinful. and by sinful, i mean putting a wedge between humanity and God. things that corrupt one's purity.

one of these areas is the area of sexual purity. i see so many people that i know falling prey to the lie that the physical/mental/sexual involvement that they are experiencing outside the confines of marriage are not wrong. in fact, i know christians who celebrate these things and feel no convictions whatsoever. my mind simply cannot grasp that.

mind you, i'm not perfect, and i'm not saying that i have never fallen in this way. in fact, to some degree, i have (one doesn't have to have given away his or her virginity in order to fall in this way). all i know is that these types of struggles have, at times, caused me to feel far from Christ, and i think that gives me a little bit of credibility when i say "hey, this is sin! this creates space between yourself and the lover of your soul! this hurts your witness! this makes you a hypocrite!"

again, my mind goes to David. you know what, he was a messed up guy. particularly where sexual impurity was concerned. but you know what, he still maintained a pure heart. this was b/c he was a man of conviction. this conviction, rather than driving him from God when he sinned, pulled him towards God.

the bottom line is that purity is so very important. and once the line has been crossed, it's not a matter of having "given oneself away" it's a matter of repentence (as in David's case) and returning to fellowship with God, being forgiven, being seen again as sinless (i guess that part depends on your theology). but the matter is, regardless of how fallen i am or become, i want to continue having that pure heart that is drawn back to my Father, back to the Lover of my Soul. i want to always desire a place at His feet. and i also want to learn to really firmly listen to those convictions that He places in my heart.

i've been going through so many changes this last year. my faith has been challenged to a degree which i have never experienced before.

i really miss the time in my walk with Jesus when things were simple. straightforward. when my relationship with God came out in the form of loving people, worshipping with abandon, and just soaking up all i could from Him. and i miss a time where i wasn't so caught up in how I see things that i miss out on the awe of who He is. i miss a time when everything in the world didn't have to have my spin on it in order to exist. i miss a time when sometimes, things just are, or they are not. i miss the time when everything about God didn't have to revolve around me. maybe that's not very post-modern, what with our whole "personal stories" and the need for a "personal" experience. but i miss the time when my personal experience with God wasn't the focus, and God was the focus.

and to be perfectly frank, i don't think that's a wrong thing to miss. not to negate the need for the personal story, or the beauty of it, but i just don't think that's the end all be all of God. and well, while how He reached me is so very important. and how he reaches each of you is as well... He just is.

He IS with or without my realizing it.
He IS outside the spectrum of my possible understanding.
He IS I AM.
He said so Himself.

it just seems to me that if all that He is can be squeezed into some thoughts or some discussion or some view of the world, He might not be worth my time. That is why i have to constantly remind myself that He is so much larger than that, and that, perhaps, is why all the arguing in the world about Him or things relevant to worshipping or serving Him are such a simple scratch on the surface, they don't deserve the time and effort of argument or offense. in light of the infinite nature of God, why bother? there are plenty of other things we can never know, why try to pin down these few. just so we have something to stand on? that's why i have faith! i need it.

just my thoughts.