Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

you know those people in life.  the ones who have tons of charisma, you never hear a bad word about them, they smile and speak to you, but you never really connect.  you hear "so and so is sooooo great"  but wonder 'what's so great about so and so?  i don't really know them, there's no depth there"   like some unattainable pinnacle of perfection. 

sometimes God seems that way to me. 

like if i'd known jesus, he'd have just tolerated me, not really liked me, but loved me anyhow.  and smiled an nodded in the niceities of day to day contact, but not really ever wanted to be my real friend. i dunno... i think i'd have bugged him. 

like woah, there He is.  off in the distance.  i can't really know him, and he doesn't care to know me.  but i hear he's a great guy... too bad there's that distance... lack of genuine interest on both parts.. 

i know it's not that way, but i think i was programmed to see relationships that way, so it's crossing over into my views about God. 

he's all loving, a friend, a father... but all i see him as is cold and distant all too often.

wish i knew how to fix it.  wish he didn't seem so unattainable.  dunno what to do about it, but i figure at some point, there will be a break, and it will work out. 

someone asked me today what is the worst thing a person can do to another in a romantic relationship.

woah


i know a lot of people who would say "reject them" or "abuse them" or "neglect them"

but you know what, mine is one i'm going to have to say hurts worse (to me) than any of those things.


keep them up in the air about things.


something i learned at space camp:
i rode something called the 'space shot' this ride give you a three second time period of weightlessness. it is thrilling, really. feels very cool, but then you find yourself wanting your bearings back after those three seconds.
in space, astronauts get what is known as space sickness from being weightless for so long. basically God designed our bodies with a need for some type of true direction and center. when we are weightless, we lack this and it makes us sick.
interesting.
i think our hearts work this way too. mine does anyhow. when i don't know what is really going on and how a person feels about me, i feel like i'm drifting weightlessly. it's ok for a while, but after some time passes, i begin to feel sick, and really struggle to find something solid to put my feet on and hold myself down. it's just a need i have.

where the hurtful part comes in, is when i start analyzing things (the way i always do--by the way, ever notice how the word "hyperanalytical" has the word "anal" right in the middle?) and then i start trying to figure out why i'm left in the air. is it to preserve my feelings? nice thought, but BACKFIRE, try again buddy... is it b/c maybe this person doesn't think i can handle the truth? (who am i, tom cruise? i can handle it! i'm a big girl now!) or worse... and this is truly what hurts me... does he not value the entire relationship enough to get over himself and just approach me head on and deal with things? do i not matter enough for him to do that? woah.

maybe i'm an oddball, and the only one who feels this way, but i doubt it. anyhow, just some random thoughts today.