so i'm learning some things about myself these days.
1. i'm homesick and i don't think i can stay here for the whole year. i miss my family and i miss america. i'm sure it will pass and i'll survive, but darnit, it's hard.
2. i think maybe i want to work in an administrative capacity with some type of missions ministry stateside. i'm good at encouraging and helping excite people about missions, i just don't think i want to be out here full time doing the work. maybe off and on short term. i dunno. i've also toyed with the notion (actually, i drew up house plans for a dream house) where i would have a hospitality suite that missionaries and foreign pastors who were involved withmy church could stay in one day when i have money. just a thought. :) i want to be more of a helps/hospitality/tentmaker type missionary stateside, not so much a supported missionary as i am now.
3. this is the wisest decision i've ever made. money means different things to me now, time means different things to me now, and relationships/people/family have a new higher priority to me now. for the first time ever i'm being really thrifty and feeling that it's necessary to make the world better. i'm being more choosy in how i spend my time. i'm really talking to God like a person, not an unattainable entity, and i'm deciding that when i return, i'm ready to settle down. put down some roots and quit this hopping around always searching for something more exciting, thing.
4. i think, for the first time ever, i really had the thought, "i want to get married and be a mom" like even, maybe full-time. crazy. this is, of course a fleeting thought, but woah, miss independent is potentially wanting to not be anymore. eeek!
so, nothing about ukraine in this post, except that i'm glad i'm here, and i'm learning a lot. and i'm grateful to the people who helped me get here. :)
Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding
Thursday, September 30, 2004 at 1:37 PM
Monday, September 27, 2004 at 1:50 PM
during the entire last three or four months i've been learning a lot about fear.
because of my life experiences, i've learned to fear things because, well, sometimes, just being alive hurts. it's been interesting how bold i've ecome in the last few months. i've always underestimated my abilities and talents. i've never really tackled trying anything like climbing a mountain, or going off to another country... i've even been afraid to kill insects and climb on chairs. i am crippled in the dark at home alone. i've never felt comfortable performing music in front of a crowd.
the other day as i was in the middle of a ukraininan mountain, it occurred to me that since i've moved here, i've not felt afraid once.
at night, alone in the dark, all i've felt has been peace. in raising money, never did i fear. i just had faith. i played piano with a band and felt confident. i daily climb up rickety steep stairs with no second thought. i even barehanded killed an unidentified spider the other day. i mean, it's crazy!
i think that when these former fears have crept up, i've subconsciously thought, "eh, if i can quit my job, pack up and move to eastern europe, i can do this." then, i've just done whatever it was.
it's totally been supernatural strength. i take no credit. it's like i've stepped out of my wheelchair and walked for the first time! it's amazing. i'm grateful to the Lord for delivering me from these fears and i pray that this new freedom will last when i return home.
because of my life experiences, i've learned to fear things because, well, sometimes, just being alive hurts. it's been interesting how bold i've ecome in the last few months. i've always underestimated my abilities and talents. i've never really tackled trying anything like climbing a mountain, or going off to another country... i've even been afraid to kill insects and climb on chairs. i am crippled in the dark at home alone. i've never felt comfortable performing music in front of a crowd.
the other day as i was in the middle of a ukraininan mountain, it occurred to me that since i've moved here, i've not felt afraid once.
at night, alone in the dark, all i've felt has been peace. in raising money, never did i fear. i just had faith. i played piano with a band and felt confident. i daily climb up rickety steep stairs with no second thought. i even barehanded killed an unidentified spider the other day. i mean, it's crazy!
i think that when these former fears have crept up, i've subconsciously thought, "eh, if i can quit my job, pack up and move to eastern europe, i can do this." then, i've just done whatever it was.
it's totally been supernatural strength. i take no credit. it's like i've stepped out of my wheelchair and walked for the first time! it's amazing. i'm grateful to the Lord for delivering me from these fears and i pray that this new freedom will last when i return home.
Thursday, September 23, 2004 at 7:28 AM
ok, finally i am writing in the blog. it's been a busy two weeks. i now live in Ternopil, Ukraine. this is a city in western ukraine. the west is, and has always been, very nationalistic. eastern ukraine has tendencies to want to join with russia, western ukraine was nationalistic before the soviet union disbanded. in fact, ternopil was the first city to remove the obligatory statue of stalin from the town square. they replaced it with a statue of taras (can't spell his last name) the most famous author/poet of ukraine. yay!
ok to save a bit of time, i'm just going to post some exerpts from my journals the last few weeks:
"the.... with.... around"
"understand... money... sometimes..."
(what can i say, i value my privacy) kidding.
ok, here goes:
sept 8:
"today is the day. i had a nice bout of nausea on the ride to the airport. it subsided, then gave way to gut wrenching sobs at the security gate. i'm not sure if i was sad to say goodbye, or if, perhaps, i'm just overwhelmed with all the crazy emotions i'm having that i can't place or identify. they just decided to well up all at once and escape through my eyes. i can't stand inability to sort my emotions. i'll just be glad to arrive, so i can settle a bit... i know this will be incredible, there is just this lag between my brain and my heart. they will meet up eventually, i pray... now i will just sit here and wait for 'the ding.'"
sept 9 (at the airport in warsaw, poland):
"jesus, you have challenged me, as a believer, to go into all the world and make disciples. i have chosen to take you up on this in a rather extreme manner, i know, but i pray that i'm doing the right thing. this chapel is comfortable, and as the nun tends it, all i feel is an overwhelming "unknown." Lord, my prayer is simple. all i ask from you as i sit here, 5000 miles from home, in this odd, sacred moment, is for your peace to settle on me. i'm not asking for miracles, just the peace to survive what is in store for me on this adventure/mission. i want to be faithful, committed, strong, loving and obedient. Lord, please grant me the grace i need for now..."
sept 13:
"the church here is very interesting. it is a 'traditional pentecostal' church. meaning, they believe in the standard pentecostal beliefs (including speaking in tongues) but they are very reserved about it. the ladies wear skirts to church and head coverings. the service was beautiful; however, i was distracted by the mural of an angel carrying a scroll. the scroll looks like a roll of paper towels. so it looks like the angel is zooming down from heaven to clean up a massive oil spill or something. lena [my boss] translated the service. the music was nice. i recognized a few of the songs, so i just hummed along. this is going to be even more different than i thought..."
sept 14:
"i went to the youth service tonight. it was so incredible, mostly because it occurred to me that worship and community have less to do with a common language and more to do with a common goal and common object of worship. it was unlike anything i've experienced before. i didn't even know what they were singing most of the service, then they sang 'it is well with my soul' and i began to cry. there are no words to describe it. the holy spirit speaks all languages..."
sept 20:
"i just returned from a trip with the 8th form [7th grade] to the ternopil region. i was about a half a mile into the middle of a mountain cave when i really realized that i'm completely isolated here. one person spoke any english, and if anything happened, i wouldn't be able to communicate. i didn't get nervous, it was just a surreal moment for me....we visited a cave that was formerly a pagan altar for sacrifices, but was excavated in the 11th century by monks and made into a chapel. there is an icon of the virgin that appeared to them there. they say the soviets occupied the cave and tried to cover the 'unsettling' image, but couldn't. some paint remanis around it. legend has it that whomever you pray for while under the chapel roof, you will marry in a year. i, of course, prayed for john cusack... our camp was great; at least it had outhouses. i'm tired of going in the woods! it's cold! the landscapes here are more beautiful than anything i've seen in america. being here makes me want to go everywhere else before i die."
sept 20 (different journal):
"the acrid smell of bleach and risidual cigarette smoke fill my nostrils with a breath of awareness. everything smells and seems grittier here. like i am viewing the world on 16mm instead of with clarity of vision. i look around. if i squint, the writing looks like the latin alphabet, and this library seems familiar to me. i find that people, regardless of culture or language, are the same everywhere, really. momentarily, through my squinty eyes, which i'm sure are attracting the attention of the locals, i feel like i might fit in, rather than as though i'm wearing a big 'i'm an american' sign. the voices and shuffling of the ladies playing cards behind me remind me that i am a stranger. oddly, not a fish out of water, though. the city has welcomed me nicely. as if it looked at me, extending a polite 'dobree dey'"
that's all for now. i will post more later, i promise. i'm not slacking, access is limited. more to come.
ok to save a bit of time, i'm just going to post some exerpts from my journals the last few weeks:
"the.... with.... around"
"understand... money... sometimes..."
(what can i say, i value my privacy) kidding.
ok, here goes:
sept 8:
"today is the day. i had a nice bout of nausea on the ride to the airport. it subsided, then gave way to gut wrenching sobs at the security gate. i'm not sure if i was sad to say goodbye, or if, perhaps, i'm just overwhelmed with all the crazy emotions i'm having that i can't place or identify. they just decided to well up all at once and escape through my eyes. i can't stand inability to sort my emotions. i'll just be glad to arrive, so i can settle a bit... i know this will be incredible, there is just this lag between my brain and my heart. they will meet up eventually, i pray... now i will just sit here and wait for 'the ding.'"
sept 9 (at the airport in warsaw, poland):
"jesus, you have challenged me, as a believer, to go into all the world and make disciples. i have chosen to take you up on this in a rather extreme manner, i know, but i pray that i'm doing the right thing. this chapel is comfortable, and as the nun tends it, all i feel is an overwhelming "unknown." Lord, my prayer is simple. all i ask from you as i sit here, 5000 miles from home, in this odd, sacred moment, is for your peace to settle on me. i'm not asking for miracles, just the peace to survive what is in store for me on this adventure/mission. i want to be faithful, committed, strong, loving and obedient. Lord, please grant me the grace i need for now..."
sept 13:
"the church here is very interesting. it is a 'traditional pentecostal' church. meaning, they believe in the standard pentecostal beliefs (including speaking in tongues) but they are very reserved about it. the ladies wear skirts to church and head coverings. the service was beautiful; however, i was distracted by the mural of an angel carrying a scroll. the scroll looks like a roll of paper towels. so it looks like the angel is zooming down from heaven to clean up a massive oil spill or something. lena [my boss] translated the service. the music was nice. i recognized a few of the songs, so i just hummed along. this is going to be even more different than i thought..."
sept 14:
"i went to the youth service tonight. it was so incredible, mostly because it occurred to me that worship and community have less to do with a common language and more to do with a common goal and common object of worship. it was unlike anything i've experienced before. i didn't even know what they were singing most of the service, then they sang 'it is well with my soul' and i began to cry. there are no words to describe it. the holy spirit speaks all languages..."
sept 20:
"i just returned from a trip with the 8th form [7th grade] to the ternopil region. i was about a half a mile into the middle of a mountain cave when i really realized that i'm completely isolated here. one person spoke any english, and if anything happened, i wouldn't be able to communicate. i didn't get nervous, it was just a surreal moment for me....we visited a cave that was formerly a pagan altar for sacrifices, but was excavated in the 11th century by monks and made into a chapel. there is an icon of the virgin that appeared to them there. they say the soviets occupied the cave and tried to cover the 'unsettling' image, but couldn't. some paint remanis around it. legend has it that whomever you pray for while under the chapel roof, you will marry in a year. i, of course, prayed for john cusack... our camp was great; at least it had outhouses. i'm tired of going in the woods! it's cold! the landscapes here are more beautiful than anything i've seen in america. being here makes me want to go everywhere else before i die."
sept 20 (different journal):
"the acrid smell of bleach and risidual cigarette smoke fill my nostrils with a breath of awareness. everything smells and seems grittier here. like i am viewing the world on 16mm instead of with clarity of vision. i look around. if i squint, the writing looks like the latin alphabet, and this library seems familiar to me. i find that people, regardless of culture or language, are the same everywhere, really. momentarily, through my squinty eyes, which i'm sure are attracting the attention of the locals, i feel like i might fit in, rather than as though i'm wearing a big 'i'm an american' sign. the voices and shuffling of the ladies playing cards behind me remind me that i am a stranger. oddly, not a fish out of water, though. the city has welcomed me nicely. as if it looked at me, extending a polite 'dobree dey'"
that's all for now. i will post more later, i promise. i'm not slacking, access is limited. more to come.
Saturday, September 04, 2004 at 8:35 PM
so i leave in four days.
FOUR DAYS...
Four days until my entire worldview is shaken...
Four days until everything i've ever been taught gets challenged...
Four days until i am surrounded by people who all come from a different culture...
Four days until i am alone, removed from my community and friends for an extended period of time...
to try to write down all i'm feeling right now would be impossible, as i tend to be horrible at sorting my emotions. i mean, when it comes to weilding my intellect or skills, i'm an ace, but when it comes to trying to figure out my emotional state, i'm like a person trying to cross stitch after both hands have fallen asleep. i dunno, i'm not numb to it, but there are feelings there that i can't identify. and well, i'm sure some are because of leaving my friends, some are because of leaving my family, some are because i don't have a concept of what my life will be like for the next several months... but the majority of them are because i don't know my purpose. i mean, i know that this is an incredible opportunity to grow, learn, teach, minister... but what then? i mean, i'm hanging on the certainty of the next ten or so months, but what then?
i recently really realized that i don't have to go back to teaching when i return. granted, i love teaching, it's fabulous, but i'm not going to be contractually bound or emotionally bound to a particular school when i return... so the world is, in essence, my oyster... that's where the whole emotional thing steps in...
do i go with what i know to be stable and secure and go back to teaching? do i follow my heart (which wants to work in an administrative capacity with a ministry, or maybe be an rd at a school, or maybe wants to go to grad school and major in some random thing...)?
and then there's the issue of where the heck do i want to be? i can go anywhere, but i feel like i don't really belong anywhere... so, i mean, i still feel so up in the air.
sometimes i just wish i could put all my thinking and worrying in a shoebox in the top of the closet. it would be a lot more convenient to pull it out now and then, like i do with old letters and whatnot. i've always envied those folks who can identify, classify, and compartmentalize every deep emotion they have. they are so together. me? nah... if it's logical, i'm on it... throw in the smallest amount of feelings, and it's like i just got poked in both eyes while wearing earplugs. i'm lost. oh well... *sigh*
FOUR DAYS...
Four days until my entire worldview is shaken...
Four days until everything i've ever been taught gets challenged...
Four days until i am surrounded by people who all come from a different culture...
Four days until i am alone, removed from my community and friends for an extended period of time...
to try to write down all i'm feeling right now would be impossible, as i tend to be horrible at sorting my emotions. i mean, when it comes to weilding my intellect or skills, i'm an ace, but when it comes to trying to figure out my emotional state, i'm like a person trying to cross stitch after both hands have fallen asleep. i dunno, i'm not numb to it, but there are feelings there that i can't identify. and well, i'm sure some are because of leaving my friends, some are because of leaving my family, some are because i don't have a concept of what my life will be like for the next several months... but the majority of them are because i don't know my purpose. i mean, i know that this is an incredible opportunity to grow, learn, teach, minister... but what then? i mean, i'm hanging on the certainty of the next ten or so months, but what then?
i recently really realized that i don't have to go back to teaching when i return. granted, i love teaching, it's fabulous, but i'm not going to be contractually bound or emotionally bound to a particular school when i return... so the world is, in essence, my oyster... that's where the whole emotional thing steps in...
do i go with what i know to be stable and secure and go back to teaching? do i follow my heart (which wants to work in an administrative capacity with a ministry, or maybe be an rd at a school, or maybe wants to go to grad school and major in some random thing...)?
and then there's the issue of where the heck do i want to be? i can go anywhere, but i feel like i don't really belong anywhere... so, i mean, i still feel so up in the air.
sometimes i just wish i could put all my thinking and worrying in a shoebox in the top of the closet. it would be a lot more convenient to pull it out now and then, like i do with old letters and whatnot. i've always envied those folks who can identify, classify, and compartmentalize every deep emotion they have. they are so together. me? nah... if it's logical, i'm on it... throw in the smallest amount of feelings, and it's like i just got poked in both eyes while wearing earplugs. i'm lost. oh well... *sigh*
© Jennifer 2005 // Powered for Blogger and Blogger templates