Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

ever have a day that's like a jazz chord?


i mean, you try to pick it apart, make some sense of it, and all you hear is disonnance. so you think, sounds awful, but at the end of the resonance, when you get the full effect, and you listen to the whole sound, it's really quite lovely. that was my day today. lots of bits that seemingly didn't go together that ended up forming quite a lovely day.

when i sit in th office, and the buzz of ukrainian is around me from my co-workers, i sit; i look at each speaker, and i create a dialogue in my mind for them

last week there was drama. infidelity, heartbreak. this week i am sensing some resolve, and the underlying plot is that they are attempting an attack on capitalism. i sense that i am used somewhere in this plan, but i'm not sure where yet.

i can't wait until i get to the part in may where i tell them that i am a spy, i speak fluent ukrainian, and they are all under arrest.

an overactive mind is a terrible thing to waste. glad i'm putting mine to use.

also, if you disregard my disregard for capitalization and even remotely courteous punctuation, and won't think me a hypocrite... you should pick up Eats, Shoots & Leaves by lynne trusse. it's fabulous if you're an english nerd, as i am, when i care to be one.

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up really isn't your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place to put your shit, the idea of home is gone. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You'll never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself for your kids or the family you started. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea. Maybe that's all a family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place"
this is a quote from the movie "Garden State" i have to say that it really reflects the way i'm feeling right now, and the way that i've felt for a few months. i mean, i've touched on it before on this blog and all, but now that i'm away, it's really hitting hard. i can't really say much that the quote doesn't say in a much better way. so there ya go.

It doesn't matter what country or city or even planet you live on. Every now and then, you're going to have a morning where you wake up, roll over, and ask yourself: what am I doing here?

This morning was one such morning for me. For one thing, I had just had a fabulous dream in which I was conversing with some old and new friends of mine. I was living in a nice house, I was really feeling very happy. When I awoke, I remembered that none of those things are available to me today. It's an odd feeling. I call it temporary loneliness. You know things will get better in a couple of days, but for today, it's heavy and it feels very real. Lonliness you can hold in your hands, wear like a coat.

Sometimes I fall victim to this even when I am surrounded by people. It is not an easy place to be, because I can't begin to adjust to it, I don't want to, because I know it will leave soon. So I wear it around for a couple of days, completely uncomfortable, but unable to shake it off.

I really am not sure what God is trying to teach me during these times. I try to search for some truth and meaning in them, but it's very discouraging when even those things are far away. I know there is a lesson there, but what is it, and if I can learn it, can I please get past this?

I certainly hope that no one reads this and worries about my well-being. I'm really doing quite well. Weekends are just lonely times for me. So they tend to give me a nice case of the melancholies, but ever the optimist, I always see monday shining through the clouds. If I am lucky, maybe it will make a rainbow or something for me to enjoy until I reach it.

A little anecdote from my weekend spent in the Carpathian Mountains of extreme southwestern Ukraine (Carpatas).
I arrive at the bus stop, where I am promptly informed that only one student remotely speaks English conversationally, and that NONE of the adults do. I figure, this, I can handle. No problem. (turns out, it was what made the trip enjoyable, really, I had C.S. Lewis to keep me company with Surprised by Joy)
Anyhow, this trip was a school trip. The chaperones were teachers and parents. I realize now just how different the Ukrainians are from Americans. Very, very different cultures.
If I were to drink, or really, even fantasize about drinking while on a school trip at home, I’d lose my certification and not be able to teach anywhere, really. Here, the teachers were doing shots of vodka ON THE BUS… so were the students. Eek! This little conservative southern-girl was shocked. When we arrived, we stayed at a nice little hostel (again, no running water just a well and an outhouse). But it was much nicer than the other “camp” where we stayed. We ate dinner and they did shots of vodka and drank a VERY dry red wine out of a box (oooh, classy, but it was good). They INSISTED that I drink. In fact, at one point in the night, I was refusing my fourth glass of wine (i didn't even want one, but they kept filling my glass, and when i'd put it down, they'd find it and return it to me. ugh) and they chanted “DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!” This was more peer pressure than I experienced in either college or high school. Actually, probably both put together.
Here is a good place to note that on the way to the hostel, we stopped to use the toilet (read: the woods) and on my way back to the woods, I slid down a hill, forcing my knee to bend back behind me at an painful angle, where I heard a crunch and felt a tug in my muscle. I was terrified that I’d broken or torn something. It swelled up some and was difficult to bend. It is now mending nicely, I attribute it to Divine healing, honestly, b/c I SWEAR I felt it rip. Anyhow, I’d like to note a few lessons I learned that evening:

1.For a girl, pissing in an outhouse at night is difficult.
2.If you are pissing while unable to bend one of your knees, the matter is complicated further.
3.If you have had three glasses of wine and cannot bend your knee, it is darn near impossible.

Never let it be said that I’m not hardcore, because I climbed and hiked in the Carpathians on what I could only guess was a pulled or torn muscle or ligament, which by the way, hurt like a MOFO until Sunday, at which point, it almost completely felt better.
Anyhow, we visited Carpatas, rode a ski lift, watched the sixteen year old students, drunk off their butts, act foolishly and wake up hung-over while I brilliantly sang “Hey Ya” at the top of my lungs to wake them.
I had warm wine for the first time. This is a yummy treat. I’m going to serve this at my next holiday party, only I will incorporate some floating orange rings in the cups. Mmmm.
And we headed back. I read the entire C.S. Lewis book on this trip (it’s fabulous, by the way, the route he took to realizing that he needed Jesus). The weekend was fun. I returned back to the orphanage sore, tired, now with new Ukrainian bad words, and I was greeted by Lena (my boss here) and had a thanksgiving feast for their harvest banquet thingy. It was fun. I’m learning a lot more of the language and I’m really REALLY learning a lot more about how people are just people, culture differences or not. If you can find some way to communicate, you can communicate if you try hard enough to.
Even with that said, I’m very excited. I made a new American friend. Her name is Diana and she is with YWAM and is from Arizona. She said she had no idea I was from Georgia b/c of my accent (yay!).

So today i gave a test. this was an oral quiz, 12 questions. i realized that every student in the room was cheating! i mean, like obvious, and often asking ALOUD in ukrainian "what is the answer to___"

i was completely exasperated with them! and this wasn't just b/c it was my class, they cheat in ALL their lessons!

my policy at home is that if you cheat, i take up your paper, grade it and subtract 50 points. (if it's a 100 point test). so if you only made a 25, then you have a negative 25 for a grade. i'm very strict on this. breathing funny, looking like you might be thinking of cheating, these are reasons for me to do this. i've only done it once in two years. my students are too terrified to talk to one another or have a cheat sheet. (i watch them like a hawk the whole time)...
my reason for this (other than it being dishonest) is that b/c if you studied and know your stuff, it's not fair to be used as a source of information for someone who didn't. i mean, i was even this way with my friends. i had one friend, amanda, who always asked me for answers, and i knew that while she was on the phone for three hours with her boyfriend the night before, i was coming in from my shift at mcdonalds or the daycare where i worked, studying for a couple of hours and then going to bed way too late. i worked for my grades, so i was quick to tell her where to get off at whenever she would ask me for help.

i mentioned these facts to the ladies i work with here and they were shocked a. that i was so strict, and b. that i wouldn't even share with a friend. tamila told me that if she'd have done that, her friends would have disowned her! i told her that mine got pissed, but they understood and respected my position, so no harm done.

this is when it occured to me that my views are shaped by capitalism. i mean, each person responsible for his or her own accomplishments. looking out for oneself,and letting the others do their own thing. duh! capitalism at its best. society here is still very much, share, give, community pot of knowledge... so..... i realized that the values they were taught when it was communist here have still carried over in this instance. at least that's my theory. :)

I have met some really cool people this week. This is the first time since I've been here that I've really gotten to have much social time.

This is the first timein my life where most of my downtime has been spent alone. I've never lived totally alone. I had a single room in college, but in a dorm, aloneness is optional. Here I am alone maybe 75% of the time. After work, at night, before 10:00 AM.

It is interesting the things you learn when you get to know yourself better. I feel so much less stressed without the drama of 25 people whirling around me like a tornado. I enjoy knowing that when I walk into my flat, it will be clean and I can pray or sing or talk to myself as loudly as I want. I can even prance around in my pajamas singing "Jesse's Girl" at the top of my lungs. Life is good. :)

Even with all of the benefits, I've decided, and maybe for the first time in my whole life, really, that I think I want to eventually give up all these "rights" and get married one day.

For at least the last two years, I have not really burned with a desire to get married (much to the chagrin of my mother, who wants a wedding to plan). :) It's been all around me, and while the thought of dating sounded fun, the thought of marriage didn't, really.

Now, I can't help but to think that after all the years of independence and this year of solitude, that maybe it's out of my system, this selfish need to be alone. I think that I would like to give myself, my privacy, my independence and my money to another person and begin a family. scary.

I always wondered which I really feared more: being alone or committment. Now I have an answer. I don't fear either. I've gotten to experience one already, and now, I think I want to try the other.

I actually want more committments than relationship alone. I want to find a long-term church, living arrangement, job, ministry, etc. I want to stop living like I am in college. I am not anymore. I think that I feel a new calling from the Lord for this time in my life. He leans over to me and whispers: Jennifer, it's time to grow up. Will I answer? Time will tell. :)