Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

i think this thing is off. it says 90% of people are MORE weird than i am.


it's gotta be wrong. i'm way weirder than that!

So I remember on a forum that I frequent, that during one of the threads where we were discussing gender roles, a few people mentioned their disdain towards the passage about a Godly wife found in Proverbs 31. This bothered me; I have always loved that passage, because I have found it to be very enlightened and forward thinking. I will let you all into my head on the issue.

Here is how it reads to me (this is lengthy, but worth the read!--parallel it with the real verses if you want to, you'll see where i was coming from better):

10. How on earth can any man be so blessed as to capture the heart of a remarkable woman? Such women are more precious than the most expensive jewels.
11. The man who finds her can trust her; he will never have to worry about her because she can take care of him and his children. After all, she first took care of herself!
12. Even before she met him, she was building her own character; now that he has found her, it builds him up in his own journey.
13. She has a keen sense of quality and is diligent in all she does.
14. To him, her beauty is exotic and rare. Sometimes he sits and smiles because her femininity is such a splendid contrast to his masculinity.
15. She knows what needs to be done, and can find the time to do it well, not only for her family, but also for all those in her care, regardless of her line of business.
16. She is wise enough to handle the business of the household and even takes it a step further by finding productive means of sustenance.
17. She isn't lazy. Over the years her body has become strong because she takes care of herself.
18. She often sits back late at night and thanks the Lord that He has helped her to make something of herself.
19. She has become skilled at both her professional and personal interests; she is a woman who knows what she is doing!
20. She shows the love of Christ through her acts of charity to people who need the things that she has. She is unselfish and giving.
21. She thinks and plans ahead so that her family will never be left out in the cold.
22. Her home, be it a mansion or a shack, is more than just the bare minimum. To her, a beautiful and clean environment can be made on any budget in any circumstance. She has also learned to do the best with the beauty God has bestowed upon her. She knows how to work it, and her husband thinks she is hot!
23. God has honored all her diligence by offering her a man who is also of good character. He has worked to earn both her respect, and the respect of all who know him.
24. She goes above and beyond what is required of her by doing her job, and then uses her skills to bless her community.
25. More important than any physical garment that she wears is the countenance of strength and dignity that adorns her. She has worked hard, trusts the Lord, and is able to laugh and be lighthearted because she has no need to worry.
26. Her ideas and advice should be heeded because her life experience has made her very wise.
27. She's got eyes in the back of her head! Sometimes you have to look at her and say "Rest, Babe! You deserve it!"
28. When her kids think she isn't listening, they brag about how cool their mom is to their friends; Her husband goes on and on about her!
29. He says things like, "Darling, there are a lot of women in the world who are good, but you are the best. I can't imagine anyone I could love more!
30. 'I could love you for your incredible beauty and charm alone, because you have that in spades, but your character and the similarities between you and Jesus are such that I could never express my gratitude for you in the very finite expanse of human language."
31. So please, don't be intimidated by her, let her have her independence and moment in the spotlight. She deserves it. Celebrate this woman!

“Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the One Who will keep you on track.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
this is very timely for me.
i like this translation, b/c i'm so guilty of trying to figure out the reason behind every little issue, rather than allowing God to be God, most of the time.

an update:

the search continues. after having quit this job for reasons that i thought were very valid and right, even though logistically not so smart, i'm almost regretting it, as bills come due and i am yet still unemployed. the issue is that i'm overqualified for all the positions in stores and stuff and they're all spooked that i'll leave if i get a teaching position, and i'm not correctly credentialed (?) for the jobs available in the teaching world around here.
*sigh*

while i know that there is a time and a purpose and all that, i have to wonder, "why would God allow my credit to ruin while i flounder for something to do?" i'm not above anything, i'd take whatever at this point. i just don't get it.

i was there earlier, however, i had a very encouraging convo with a friend of mine who lives overseas and is struggling with "what to do next" as i am, and it really helped me to see that while circumstances differ, this is not so uncommon for folks and i'm not alone. not that i was ever alone.

anyhow, tonight i headed up to the church to practice a song for tomorrow, and this song happened to show up in my cd collection. so i'm singing it tomorrow, if i can make it through without crying, b/c it's so where i am.

If you want me to--Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

Chorus:

CauseI’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to

eating solid food is good.


happy i can do that again.


will post more later. :)

stomach flus SUCK.

yeah, my aunt and cousins had this awful stomach flu last weekend, and i visited them just after, and apparently got in contact with the things they forgot to lysol.


not that anyone cares about the digestive malfunctions or anything, but threw up nine times from nine pm yesterday till six am today. NINE!

i literally could see myself shrinking in dehydration! i started holding down water this morning, then moved to gatorade, then mashed potatoes.


yeah, so i'm feeling tons better now, but i don't think i've ever been that sick before in my whole life! so uh, if you've been around me lately, go ahead and quarantine yourself and prepare for the worst, b/c it may come! and for that, i apologize!!!

for those of you who know me long-distance or purely from the internet, consider yourselves lucky today! i feel like that monkey on outbreak! :)

so i just spent some time with the most exuberant child around. it's my cousin alicia's six year old son, jordan. he's cool. he was quoting "dodgeball" to me and showing me how to lock and pop. apparently he's been watching "breakers" and "breakers 2" some break dance movies his dad has. crazy. he's hilarious.

when he started kindergarten, his teacher asked, "can you count to ten?" he replied, "which language?" :)


i'm in panama city visiting the side of the family i wish i knew better. i rarely get over to this part of the state. i haven't seen any of them in about three years. this side of the family is so very different from the other side of the family. there's just a totally different feel to it.

what's weird is that while the cultural and religious natures of both sides are so very similar, the dynamics are totally different. it's just weird how that works out. i think mom's side of the family just kinda swallows you up and throws you in the middle of the ring, while this side sits patiently waiting for you to come by. :)

so here are some details to my rather ambiguous post of last evening.


i quit my job yesterday. i told my boss that i couldn't work in a place where things contrary to my faith are forced upon me.

i am a fairly openminded person. i don't judge folks whose views differ from mine, generally speaking. i also respect the religious beliefs of others. but while at work the other day i was put into a very awkward position that included me having "angel cards" read. these are basically tarot cards with angels on them. the lady doing the reading claims to be both christian and a psychic medium. so without my knowing what was going on exactly i was told to go see her in the back. i thought she had some game or some other type of card, like greeting cards or post cards or something. so i split the deck and there she goes flipping cards and telling me my fortune. i cut it off short, and said thanks politely and left and all, but my boss didn't seem to understand. i was furious. i was led into that blindly.

that same night, without my sharing the event with my mom, she started to sense spirits in her room that night. they were the same spirits that she said had tormented me as an infant until she and my dad prayed over me about it. anyhow, that is one part of it.

the other part has to do with the fact that i am the only person other than the owner who has a college degree or professional training of any sort, and yet she treats me like i'm going to rob her blind and disrespects me in front of the other workers (all over forty) and customers. i finally had a moment to confront miss passive-agressive yesterday; i told her how i felt. she took it well. i left on good terms, but i stuck up for my self, my beliefs and told her that i expect to be treated with respect because i treat her in that way. i made some helpful suggestions about making the lives of the other employees easier (i.e. hire a manager, quit micromanaging, etc). i just was very frank with her and let her know what was up. i was shocked by how afterward, we finished the night, had pleasant conversations and she told me how blessed she's been to have me come at the time i did and that she hopes i'll still come to her for nutritional stuff. cool, huh?

now to find my next career... :)

i feel really super good tonight.

i made some really grown-up decisions and stuck up for myself and my faith.

gonna go bask in that for a bit. :)

i took this from amber's site. i'm rather nerdy. i'm kinda proud. :)

i just spent a wonderful evening with a group of new(ish) friends. we all attend a gathering on friday nights and i've been really blessed by their presence in my life here. i only get to see them once a week or so, b/c of my work schedule, but it's always very refreshing to spend time with intelligent, socially conscious, fun christians who share a similar passion for trying to find common ground and be a community.

evenings like this knock the edge off the homesickness for georgia. funny, to be homesick for somewhere that isn't technically home, eh? of course, i guess that's always the case since this world is not my home and all. another topic entirely. tired... must.... sleep... :)

been listening to my friend tara's cd lately. she covered a song by rich mullins called "hard to get"

here are the lyrics. it's good stuff.

Hard to Get


You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get
You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?
And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know
Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret I can't see how
You're leading me unless
You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get.

so i suppose that an update is about due. most folks only have a vague idea of what's going on with me lately, so i figure i'd fill everyone (my mass readership, yeah, right) in on what's up.

i'm living in lithia, FL. i like to say tampa so folks know the gist of it, but it's nothing like tampa, really. if you took the armpit of the most disgusting person you could imagine, fill it with limburger cheese and rotten strawberry funk, then make a trailer park in the middle of it, you'll have a good idea of precisely how i view this "city" (technically, it's just a road with a post office and a fire station). however, i'm not altogether unhappy here. life is just back to being life again, so that's been tough to deal with.

i have a full time job right now operating way below my potential until i can get a teaching job. i'm working in a health food store. i'm a chef. it's pretty fun. and i'm good at it. and the customers are great. i like the human interaction, y'know?

i miss church a lot b/c of work, but i go to connexion on fridays. i think that community may end up being my saving grace. unfortunately, the folks there are so far away that i don't see them as becoming the type of friends who just swing by to say hi at work and what not. but we'll see.

i miss georgia desperately. never thought i'd say that, but it's become home. i'm putting in an application with oconee county (athens area) for a job in august. hope that works out. i've got some apps out here in tampa for the rest of this year. i just found a vacancy tesol (teaching english to speakers of other languages) to adults. that would be cool. the pay is good and it's part time, only on week days and nights.

it's been hard holding onto all the things i've learned in recent months. america can suck the worldview right out of you. it's like just landing on this soil put me right back into being exactly the way i was before again. so i've been trying, unsuccessfully at times, to combat that.

living at home is actually very peaceful and helpful to me right now. we are all getting along b/c dad's working, crys is at school and mom is busy with church stuff. so we aren't always together. it makes the time we do spend matter more. it's also great to have a steady supply of hugs anytime i need one.

and being down here is really helping me sort through things, like the meaning of friendship. when i was in ukraine, folks were super good at keeping in touch, but since i've been back, it's tapered off. dunno why. honestly, i need it more now, but it's really cool. i'm figuring out a lot about friendship. some folks are great at hanging in when i let go. i'm grateful for you guys (you know who you are). i really miss you guys and love you. i certainly appreciate you, even though i rather suck at expressing it. for someone who tends to be verbose and decent at weilding said verbosity, i am not the world's greatest at saying how wonderful you are and how much you mean to me. so, um, thanks for being you.

i had this long well thought out post written about things, but it just felt fake, you know?


see, the truth of the matter is that if you were to read all the archives of this blog, you'd see high highs, and low lows. you'd see me feeling great, feeling like crap, and sometimes, just not feeling; the thing is that no matter how happy or sad or neutral i intend for things to sound, whoever reads this is gonna read it through the eyes of whatever things they've experienced and are currently experiencing anyway. funny how we are like that. we see and hear basically what we want to, even if we try to be objective.

this is part of why we all have such a hard time communicating with one another. think it's coincidental?

wrap your mind around this:

what if prior to the fall, or prior to the tower of babel (which is where most folks say the Lord messed up our common language and split us up or whatever) we were all able to listen and really hear each other. either b/c of the lack of sin or b/c of a common communication style? what if the thing that resulted b/c of one of those incidents happened to be that, not b/c of a literal language difference, but b/c of a heart difference, we could no longer really hear or understand one another? crazy, eh?

i'm not saying this is theologically sound or anything, or that i believe it, but what if part of the workings of the enemy are that we can never really know and understand each other fully?

that's why it is so important for us to really try. i'm so guilty of filtering everything through my own mind and hearing it how i'd like to. i'm hoping that i lose this well practiced sill. it's not very useful at all.

listening to tori amos will do one of two things.


it will make you hate men or it will make you feel sorry for her.


i kinda feel sorry for her.


i definitely don't hate men.

a couple of funny things:

the alanis morisette lyrics generator

http://www.brunching.com/alanislyrics.html


and the goth-o-matic super dark gothic poetry generator:

http://www.deadlounge.com/poetry/poems.html

entertain thyself!

so tomorrow is the big day.


i'll be doing that whole drop off the resumes and pray someone reads them for more than ten seconds thing.

again, i'm not very verbose today. i'm just lately thinking about how difficult i keep thinking i have it, then i turn on the news and see that i'm still alive, have a home, have a family. then i get angry at myself. i mean, meeting the needs is important, but dude, i'm already doing really well, and well, i should stop and realize that now and then.

some lyrics:

Don't Dream It's Over

Written by: Neil Finn

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're travelling with me

Chorus
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
Don't ever let them win

i went to see "finding neverland" last night.


great movie, by the way.


it just got me to thinking about how much i miss being a kid. i enjoyed being carefree. to some degree, i'm still very much a kid. ok, to a great degree. i hope that i can be like that.

there is one scene that shows he and his wife going into seperate bedrooms. when the doors open you can see into the rooms. hers reveals a dark bedroom, his opens to reveal a blue cloudy sky and a meadow.

this really resonated with me. my whole life i've felt rather misunderstood b/c my door opens to reveal things like that as well. people generally don't get that about me.


you see, the thing is, i don't want to lose that in a pile of bills and paperwork for the government. i'd rather not lose my imagination and dreams to the housecleaning and family raising. mind you, the comfort and security associated with those things is are appealing to me, but i just can't see how anyone could be happy without a little bit of that blue sky in his or her life. can't you have both? i sure hope so, otherwise, i'm not so much interested in doing the whole "adult" thing.

some lyrics for today:

"the way we are" by fleming and john

Would I need ya if I got amnesia?
Would you be the one for me if I lost my memory?
And would I look at you the way that I used to?
Would I fall in love all over again,
Or would I have to pretend?

Are we gonna stay the way we are?
Are we gonna break and fall apart?
Are we gonna make it when our love is tested?
Are we gonna stay the way we are?
I don't wanna break and fall apart,
Are we gonna make it through the shark infested water?
Hearts entrusted to each other

And I don't know what I'd do,
If I found out you were untrue.
Would I find it in my heart to forgive?
Would I be able to forget?

Will I be beautiful?
Or will I just be a fool?
Can you keep me fresh and young?
What if I make you deaf and dumb?

Are we gonna stay the way we are?
Are we gonna break and fall apart?
Are we gonna make it when our love is tested?
Are we gonna stay the way we are?
I don't wanna break and fall apart,
Are we gonna make it through the shark infested water?
Hearts entrusted to each other

Can we still have adventures,
When we're old and wear dentures?
Will you kiss me on the lips?
Do you think we'll dance with our plastic hips?
And when you look at me,
Will you see the girl you met when you were nineteen?
Will you see a lady with a limber heart,
Swimming in the water with the sharks?

Are we gonna stay the way we are are?
Are we gonna break and fall apart?
Are we gonna make it when our love is tested?
Are we gonna stay the way we are?
I don't wanna break and fall apart,
Are we gonna make it through the shark infested water?
Hearts entrusted to each other