Jail or free-wheeling inbreeding

so at work today i suddenly realized how much i'm not going to hate this job. the people i work with are so fun, and while the job itself could drive you up the wall, the folks around you keep you upbeat.

i'm into my second week of training. i'm actually starting to enjoy it more now because we're on the computers now and out of class. i HATE sitting through classes. i get so bored, even if i'm interested in what is being said. i blame the adhd. and canada.

anyhow, i'm making plans to head up to nega again soon. i'll be singing on saturday night at ekklesia and then spending a few days with my friends and my hunny. :) i'm very excited.

i've been thinking about how i'm actually going to miss living here when i have to move this summer. granted, i'm looking forward to being around some familiar faces and of course matt, but i really like the people who are here. they are involved at my dad and mom's church and really are great people. i thought i'd never make any friends out here, but between the folks i had already met at connexion and the new ones at the church, i'm pretty happy.

i get my ring in like four days. woo hoo. i've never been so excited about jewelry in my whole life! seriously! mom and i went shopping for wedding stuff the other day. we got a lot accomplished. simplicity, that is the way to go. besides, i'd hate to focus all my energies on a wedding and forget about the marriage! eek!

i guess that's all the updating i'll do for now, i'm going to try my darndest to get online more often and post. this job is really tying up my hours and hours of free time! jeesh. work. feh.

you know, i'm convinced that there is something irrevocably wrong with me, maybe.


seriously. i complain because i don't have a job, then i get a relatively decent one, and now i complain because it's not as flexible as i'd like.


i need to learn to appreciate things more. it's so odd, i thought that i'd changed so much after coming home from ukraine. it's like i saw the world through these new eyes, but now i'm back (at least behaviorally) to where i was before. it's a funny thing how we can learn a lesson and then forget it in practice. i think that's why i love grace so much. sure it covers all the stupid things that we do, but it also helps to steer us to not do them as much.

i think we forget that part of grace too often. i do anyway. i like to think of it as this cosmic catch-all for the ridiculous things i try to get away with, but in reality, if it's not doing the "helping me be better" side of things then it's not really worth much. and it's defintely worth a lot. so yeah, i think it might just work like "well, now that you're aware of it, try to stay on top of that."

so yeah, thank you Lord for my job, even though it's not necessarily the job of my dreams. thanks for my situation, even though it might not be the exact one i'd have chosen. you're smarter than i am, and you can see the whole picture, so i'll just have to trust you. thanks for your grace, because without it, i am nothing. and thanks for helping me say the hard stuff that i don't like to say. like "i am nothing." --amen

so i started this new job.


i'm grateful for it. it will pay my bills. it kind of hurts to think that i can't have a single day off at all at any point until i'm there for three months. :( so basically, i'm only going to be there until the beginning of july.


i have to get out for weddings and such.


everyone (including myself) is getting married. crazy. i feel kind of old.

feeling old is not a bad thing. :) i'm rather fond of it.

i don't have much to say right now. i'll post more later.

click here

well monday is looking like it will be a good day.

Reason #1:
i had a job interview with a collections agency on thursday, i passed the tests with flying colors and my interview went well. it pays well, i will just be harassing folks for money... not sure how i feel about that, but i look at it as a ministry opportunity. if i come across someone who is having a hard time or needs financial advising, it will be my job to encourage and advise them during the process. so that's pretty cool, i guess.

i find out about the job on monday.

Reason #2:
matt's coming to see me!!!! yay. it's been two or so weeks since i saw him, and i miss him lots. so i'm very excited that he's coming down. he'll be here all week. we'll also get to see mandy and boomer, which i'm happy about too.

i needed the encouragement in both areas. so yay!

you know you desperately need employment when the most exciting part of your day is only being rejected for employment by voice mail. it's amplified by the fact that the second most exciting part of your day was changing the color scheme on your blog. well, i was feeling girly. i know, it's pink. i'm sure you all expected something darker. like black. or maybe a nice serene green.... suckers.


anyhow, i've really been struggling lately. i'm so used to being a productive part of the society machine, economically, socially, that i feel REALLY purposeless right now. i can't find a job. i've REALLY tried too. i'm still trying, but after a certain amount of "no's" you start to want to give up. i don't think my parents believe me when i say i'm working on it online. they think i'm just on here talking to you all. i am, sometimes, but usually while multi-tasking.

but you know what, this discouragement i'm dealing with isn't about a job, i really think it's about feeling useful. i'm not sure if it's culture's fault (darn capitalism) or if it is my own issue, but i have a super hard time feeling useful if i'm not A. generating income and B. providing a service for an organization. i wish i could be one of those people who intrinsically feels important, but i base way too much on what i can do and not who i am. i seriously doubt that is fully Christ-like. there's got to be a balance in there somewhere. any thoughts?

this is a test of the emergency blog-cast system. this is only a test

someone asked me a really hard question the other day.


can you ever be 100% sure of anything?


whoa, what a tough question. i was like "yes, and no"

by this i simply mean, yes, i'm 100% sure that i don't have all the answers. i'm 100% sure that i will be wrong from time to time about things. otherwise, most things i'm really sure of involve about 90% assurity of their truth, and a 10% faith that what i see as true really is. sometimes the percentage is almost vice versa.
basically, i'm realizing that much like in my faith, many areas of my life operate on this principle. job changes... some part of it i'm sure of, the other part i'm just hopeful about... ministry, same deal... love... you bet your sweet bippy.

there is always an element of the "leap" that i have to face in every decision. it's simultaneously frustrating and refreshing. i'd love it if it were all spelled out and simple, just black and white truth in life and nothing to question, but it all seems to have infinitely more meaning to me when i look at it as a wager. when it ends up being right, it just feels better, like there was some element of the unknown involved. yeah, i'm supposing that part would be God.

anyhow, it was just a tough question which i'm, honestly, not 100% sure of. :)